And so the songs cometh to this earth (the centre of the universe [It's fine. I know scientific advancement is a shade on the nonexistent side, but by the time people realise this arrogance is inversely proportional to the level of excellence neccessitating it, we will have the reverence achieved by time on side]). God looked upon these creations, and saw that they were...acceptable.
This song-writing must be, lest the children should inadvertedly stumble upon the holy scriptures and mistaketh them for the death-ridden threats of a jealous leader with a questionable taste for blood, small hint of desperation, and a claim to fame - for this describeth Big Brother contestants also, and yet we laugheth at them with credulity.
Where to start, where to start, muses the generic-religious-songwriter-for-schoolchildren, twirling a sporadically-present (God-given) goatee in search of the extra (God-given) wisdom it is rumoured among laymen to give. Beside our writer is a list of (God-given) words to, as they say, 'pad out' the (God-given) lyrics when the meaning threatens doom, or the badly euphemised imagery induces horror in the listener. These words restore lightheartedness and oblivious acceptance in the singer, "because, if I do say so myself, the tunes are just that catchy!" He proceeds with a flashy smile and offers me his business card. "Enough of these babies" murmers our writer, "and the meaning is successfully smothered into a sinister undertone". He pats the paper adoringly, caressing his favourite word with a loving eye. "Glory. How many scrapes have you helped me out of, eh? We're bffls for LIFE, 'n' that's as sure as eggs is God-given eggs." A hasty wink at the other words (among which 'shine', 'light', 'grace', 'love', 'joy' and similar sentiments of empty positivity are prolific) to reassure them they will get their mentions at regular intervals too.
"Now, a good rhythm and bouncy melody to really get the foot-tapping going! The music, as any fool knows, is key in drowning out the true meaning of the song, while establishing a bright tone that no one can argue with. They can learn that (God-given) punishment is a neccessary...*writer's eyes struggle to settle on a word on his list*...joy".
Yes, after all, societies led by fear are well documented as successful.
He blithely continues: "I like to start with "Lord", and then reiterate this point on every line. This clarifies matters, while reflecting how the Bible is written. I find this prepares the child for when they are deemed old enough to move onto the real thing [cheeky nudge and wink], y'know, all that sacrifical gore, plagues, insect swarms...and all the wars that this God character 'orders'. A bit like pizza. When you're bored and watching some sort of entertainment. And yet more evidence of the Bible's application to real life! Ha...and people think we just pluck these connections out of thin air."
Then, using a popular culture reference showing how well infiltrated his own mind has been: "it's seemples really, as those meerkats have been saying throughout their centuries!"
Actually, you know those meerkats are a creation of someone's mind..
"Nono, it's true, my television said so. Anyway, it's just a matter of the words you use. For example, I'm going to use 'cleanse' here - children are familiar with this, understanding the neccessity of washing, purity, and hygiene; if instead I put 'mass slaughter leaving rivers of blood and discarded flesh' it loses that tasteful holiness we know and love - it may cause panic. And I would need to rethink my time signature - the whole perfect, upbeat rhythm I've got going on would be in jeapoardy" he admits. "They need to be able to sing this before lunchtime, you see, whereas if I use direct imagery from the Old Testament there's a risk they'll lose their appetite - I don't want government funding on my back! Plus I'd need written permission to insert a 'don't do this at home' warning" he jokes.
I'm liking you less and less, but please, go on. I'm riveted.
Then...an idea cometh to the writer - where 'pon thunders and lightnings bathe the scene, as a thick cloud descends on the raised bit of floor in the house, and the voice of a trumpet exceeds the suggested 'loud' guidelines set down by the authorities for our convenience. "Wow, felt a bit like Moses there...but how about this? We could outline a magic recipe for protection, we have all the ingredients, if you'll pardon that pun that I've spent hours thinking of!"
That...took you hours? I could have thought of it faster with my eyes closed. Because sight is not an interfering factor. And I'm amazing.
"I thought I was the arrogant one?"
Yes, I know, I was merely being inconsistent. It's not like people would believe such fluctuation of character anyway. Please go on.
And so on he gliby goes: "I like that image though - God with a culinary disposition - it gives excellent room for marketing - "God's recipes for survival", with a picture of God dressed as a chef, perhaps with his arms laden with herbs and fluffy little lambs.
"All the death though...[he seems to have broken into a light sweat in thinking it neccessary to justify it] it's just like cleaning up some surplus cake mixture, if you'll excuse the food reference again. Maybe I'm hungry - I think I need a sandwich. WIFE!" "Anyway," he continues, kindly returning to our conversation, "things like Noah's ark, the book of Joshua, they can seem a bit inyerface with death and punishment, but if we take it with a pinch of salt (WHERE IS MY SANDWICH?!) we realise God may have been a little overindulgent in his 'slapdash' overuse of 'be fruitful and multiply' - not because he's imperfect, you understand. That would be illogical. But some people have to go to heaven, some to hell, some to 'I'll decide later'" He explains, with a (suspiciously eugenics-implicative) description also applicable to the methods used when sorting through marbles. Of which it is dubious he possesses. "See, you and I can understand this, but younger people have trouble with the idea that important, powerful people are the sort who can make these rash decisions and contradictory hypocritical demands. Children live in ideals, which of course the Bible doesn't. Yes it does have ideals - good/evil, heaven/hell - but these are ideals as dictated by a figure of authority. This is what makes it believable.
"Personification plays its part too - it gives the impression of support and security, for example, here, I'm making the hills and trees clap along to really give that celebratory atmosphere. Obviously, they don't have hands, but use your imagination! There's obviously some miracle involved that we don't have the knowledge to understand."
Exceedingly imaginative.
"It's a lovely kinetic tool for the children too, getting them to make actions, click, clap, or struggle with the complexities of singing in canon. This gets them focused on something other than what they're singing. It was my wife's idea actually, but I know my Genesis. If it gets out I took my wife's advice...woahh I'm in the shit. Y'know?"
I know.
"because thou hast hearkened to the voice of thy wife" is what made adam think things like uggs, harem pants, and mankinis were neccessary in the world, after all!
I see your point.
A personal favourite song of mine goes..
Really, there's no need to sin-
But already he is looking at me expectantly, bursting out in a deep baritone, "I was cold I was naked were you there were you there?"
No?
"It always throws the children into doubt. That way they look to the authoritative figures for reassurance, the teachers, who jovially warble the words with beaming faces. It's healthy to learn humiliation at a young age." His face darkens as he recalls some unresolved business. The pencil in his hand snaps.
"And now for something to shout at the end!" He's really on fire now. "How about "LOVE IS THE BEST!" We want them to love the (God-given) song, you see, and a 'hey' at the end really gives them a feeling of liberation (that's not God-given...don't be so barbaric). I'd better label it "one short, sharp 'hey', otherwise giddiness may strike".
Suspicious. But I'm not one to form opinions. What's that I hear? The sound of the underground...it must be a sign. I will hastily exclaim it is solely (or at least mostly) the documentation of such religion that I'm criticising, as I percieve it to be ill-articulated. And also, this is all entirely fictional (be that apt or not), so obviously couldn't be taken as gospel truth. I must be consistent with my contradictions, you understand.
